The Singing Mercenaries
The Meat Flute of Savage Blows
Firm and Powerful (Sounding)
Level: 7 Price: Varies Item Slot: Off-hand/Head.
Properties: You gain +2 item bonus to Dexterity and Constitution Modifiers, with -2 item bonus to Charisma while this item is equipped.
Power (Daily*Psychic): You charm nearby enemies. Until the end of your next turn, all targets adjacent to you do not roll a saving throw against your attacks.
In the beginning, Palmer, the god of fellatio and sodomy, was alone. But he grew weary of his existence, and thus set in motion the creation of the worlds. And so, he took one of his testicles, and cracked it open. And from the yolk of his testicle was the world created. And from the yolk grew a tree. And it was a great tree. And upon it were numbered all the things of creation. But, the last fruit bore special notice. Some say from it was born Vin Diesel, yet others, Jack Bauer. To some, it hearkened the creation of Richard Dean Anderson. Yet, what is known is that from that day forth, Chuck Norris was made flesh, and dwelt among the land of men. For there were not yet any women, which as you will soon see, became a problem.
And so, the world was. And it was, indeed. But the men, growing restless, and experiencing strange twinges of the nether-bits, began practicing sodomy…and fellatio. And they fellated one another, and practiced sodomy. And this Palmer saw. And he was disgusted. “We find this disgusting” said the Palmer. And so Palmer, being disgusted by their sodomy, decided to create woman. So that men might not disgust him with their sodomy. For it was disgusting unto the sight of Palmer. Imagine, two grown men going at it with the ferocity of jaguars…and sticking their throbbing…anyway. It was disgusting unto his sight, and woman was made to be.
But, men rejected the women. And Palmer was furious, because it was nasty. And so, Palmer spake unto the women, saying “I shall teach you the ways of the meat flute, so that you might inherit the earth from the men, for their sodomy is disgusting.” And so, he taught them. And they played his meat flute, and he was pleased. And in turn, they played the meat flute for the men, and lo, they too were pleased. And thus, it was, and it was, thus. And Palmer placed his meat flute upon the earth, and blessed it. He created man, and woman, and he created sodomy between them, and fellatio, for it was pleasing in his sight.
But, for many years, the people were repressed, and the gift of the meat flute was lost. For thousands of generations, the flute, which was made of meat, the meat of Palmer, was lost to the people who had once played the meat flute.